


ill sit in the rain with you

by xelmxy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, IM SO SORRY YAMS, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Pills, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, fluff at the end dw, i feel so bad for writing this help me, short-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26607433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xelmxy/pseuds/xelmxy
Summary: Yamaguchi Tadashi wakes up in a sweat, he doesn't know why, nor where he is since all he can see is black and blue spots. After a few seconds he finds himself laying on the bathroom floor, he can't feel any part of his body.It suddenly comes flooding back to him...
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 122





	ill sit in the rain with you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm literally so sorry i wrote this, i needed to get a bunch of shit out of my system and writing is one of ways i do that aha  
> *please comment if you see any grammatical errors! this is my first fic in a while so i will probably mess up a bit*
> 
> TW // self-harm , suicide attempt , angst

TW // self-harm , suicide attempt , angst

Yamaguchi Tadashi wakes up in a sweat, he doesn't know why, nor where he is since all he can see is black and blue spots. After a few seconds he finds himself laying on the bathroom floor, he can't feel any part of his body.

It suddenly comes flooding back to him...

pills

He manages to turn his head enough to catch a glimpse of a empty pill bottle with one or two pills lying around it.

Now Tadashi didn't know how long ago but he remembers what he did, why he's laying like this on the cold, white tile of his bathroom.

He starts cussing himself out. He can't tell if he is actually murmuring the words, or if it's just in his head since he still can't feel most parts of his body. 

After laying there for what seemed like hours he was able to move his hand to pick up the suicide note lying next to his head and his phone right next to that.

The time was 7:23am. He has realized the brightness coming from his window and wondered why his parents hadn't woken him up since the dim screen light of his phone said Monday on it. Then he realized his parents were gone until Tuesday, and then again remembered his whole ordeal and why he was laying on the bathroom floor.

He had done this because his parents were away, he wanted them to have fun for a few days until they found his dead corpse laying on the ground.

But there was this awful feeling inside of him, he had just tried to commit suicide the night before, and woke up completely alone.

No one was there to comfort him or help him, he felt a mix of guilt, anger, and complete emptiness, the last one was nothing new though.

He knew he had school that day, and if he didn't go, the school would call his parents, who would call him, while he was still barley able to move or talk.

Luckily for him, on Monday's they got to be there 30 minutes late.

8:30, he thought.

"FUCK" he screamed out. His voice came out harsh and scratchy and his throat was killing him, his stomach hurt, and he was weak, too weak.

Tadashi tried to pull himself up by using the toilet directed behind him. He managed to get about halfway up and then his legs and arms, seemingly in sync, gave out at the same time.

He groaned in pain, although now he was sitting up against the wall.

He felt like he was being stabbed over and over again in the stomach, it wouldn't stop.

After a few minutes of Tadashi just sitting there, he started to drift off, until a buzz from his phone came. It was sitting in his lap, but he was afraid to look down at it.

After the screen had went dark, Tadashi tapped the screen lightly, and saw it was a text from Tsukki.

"Goddammit, why now" Tadashi mumbled.

From: Tsukishima Kei  
7:56am  
I need to get to school early today to ask a teacher about some homework, so I won't be able to walk with you this morning, sorry.

Tadashi let out a sigh of relief. "Thank god"

He could still only say a few words without anything really painful hurting, and he couldn't let Tsukki see him like this.

It was almost 8am and Tadashi had to be at school, if he wasn't his parents would suspect something and come home early, he couldn't have that.  
He looked in the mirror and saw an unfamiliar face.

It was pale, white pale.  
The small boy started crying, no, sobbing, he had done this to himself, all he could feel was guilt.

What would have happened to my parents?They made sure everything in my life was great, and gave me everything I could ever want but here I am throwing it all away.

What would happen to the team? And.. And Tsukki?

He quickly disregarded that because it's not like the team needed him, he wasn't a regular or anything special like the other first years, he was just, Tadashi.  
And Tsukki didn't give a shit about him. He would always tell Tadashi to "Shut up"

He walked steadily out of the bathroom making sure he wouldn't fall. The suicide note was laying on the sink now, and the pill bottle was still on the floor, there was also a knife that lay there, blood stained, not from the night before but other bad, bad nights.

He remembered almost as he was going in with the knife, he had gotten woozy and couldn't see straight, and doesn't remember what happened after that.

Tadashi looks back into the bathroom and snarls. "If I would have done something with that knife I wouldn't have to be doing all of this right now."

He could have been peacefully laying in the afterlife, no more worries, no more fears, no more pain.

But he was still here, still having to suffer, he sincerely thought about using the knife since there were no more pills in the cabinet, but he was too scared, everything hurt so much and he didn't want another failed attempt and waking up to this sort of shit again.

\------

He decided he wouldn't go to school, even if he has already been dressed and left then, he would have been decently late.  
He knew full and well he missed morning practice but in the moment didn't give a flying fuck, it's not like the team needed him you know?

He texted his parents and said he didn't feel well, in which they immediately worried and said they were coming home, but Tadashi convinced them it was just a small stomach bug and he would be better by the next day.

His parents told him they would still come back Tuesday, but said if he started feeling bad to tell them and they would be back immediately.  
Tadashi let a soft smile form across his face, he loves his parents so much, they were amazing  
He just didn't want to feel like this anymore.

He got into his bed, not bothering to clean up the bathroom.  
He laid there and quickly fell asleep.

\------

Kei was on his way to lunch, he had wondered where Yamaguchi was all day, he didn't text him that he was sick like he usually would in that situation.  
The tall boy didn't think much of it and went to a spot under the tree where Yamaguchi and him would usually sit.

He thought it over.  
I mean Tadashi has been acting weird lately, well more then usual weird, I mean yesterday he came over to my house just to watch a dinosaur documentary with me. Tadashi didn't exactly like dinos... or documentaries...

Then he thought back farther. The last few weeks, no, months, Yamaguchi has been acting more... quiet? He didn't know the exact words to explain how his friend was acting, but Kei knew it was different. He hadn't been acting as upbeat and stuck closer to Kei, he had only laughed at a few of his jokes when he would normally laugh at all of them, and he could tell Yamaguchi was slacking off in class, because of the look on his face when they got a test or a quiz back.

Come to think of it, Yamaguchi hasn't invited Kei over in what seemed like ages. That household was like his second house, they always had extra clothes there if he ever wanted to stay over, and even had some strawberry sweet in the cabinet just for him.

He thought about how his friend had given him a hug before he left the day before, and how his eyes were glassy...

Kei thought for who knows how long, thoughts circling over and over in his head until he heard a loud, annoying voice.

"TSUKISHIMA!! TSUKISHIMAAAAA!!" Hinata yelled as he tried to strangle the tall blonde.

Kei pushed the red haired ball of light off of him.  
"Tch." He scoffed

Kageyama had walked up shortly behind Hinata and was looking at Kei strangely, he definitely knew something was up.  
Kei knew Kageyama wasn't exactly the person to care about other feelings but Kageyama knew that the air around Tsukishima felt off, so he maneuvered Hinata away (who was rambling about a random bug he saw earlier). Kageyama continued to walk away, looking back at Kei with a mix of an annoyed, and... slightly worried(?) face.

Kei decided he would go visit his friend after school, the end of the day couldn't come any faster, he just wanted to make sure he was ok! Yeah! Just ok... nothing else.  
If he was being honest with himself he really did miss his friend. He missed the constant rambling and the non-stop laughing and smiling. Everything was too quiet without him

But then again, he really hasn't been like his old self in a while.

\------

Kei was about to get ready to walk over to Yamaguchi's house, until he remembered he had volleyball practice.  
He once again scoffed and made his way over to the gym. Takeda-sensei was waiting outside of the gym. He saw Kei, smiled, and motioned him over calling his name.

"Have you heard anything from Yamaguchi today?" Sensei asked still keeping a big smile on his face.

"No, not today." Kei responded politely.

The shorter man had gotten a confused look on his face. "Strange." He said. "I wonder if his parents called in and they just didn't inform me or Ukai... I'll go ask the vice-principal just to make sure! Oh yes! You should probably go get changed now!" He finally ended his rambling and ran off into the school building.

Kei went to go change and then went out to practice.  
After long sets of a 3v3 and some practice blocking and receiving Kei left to finally go see his friend.

\------

Tadashi ends up waking up.  
He yawns and sits up, he feels a lot better and not as shitty as he did early that day...  
He picked up his phone to find many missed calls and texts from Tsukki, and even Hinata and Suga.  
The brunette hesitated for a sec but checked to see what they said

All the boys were just asking him where he was that day. He completely ignores them and lays back down with a groan, his stomach still aches and his legs felt strange too.

He lays in bed looking out at the cars driving by, he checks his phone once again and it's 7:47pm. He had slept for almost 12 hours.

"Damn." He muttered. His throat definitely still hurt like it has been, over-scratched? He couldn't explain it. He drank some water but decided not to eat just incase his stomach acted up.  
It's not like not eating is anything out of the norm

He walks over to the couch and almost collapses.  
"OW! SHIT!" He yells while trying to sit down properly on his couch.  
His legs were trying to give out again.

He sat there in pain for a second until he heard a slight knock on the door. He froze

Shit please tell me that isn't my parents i can't face them right now

But he hears someone different

"Yamaguchiii, hello? Are you there?" Came a familiar voice.

Tadashi stood up and looked through the peek-hole to make sure, and sure enough, standing on his front poarch, there was his friend Tsukishima Kei.

Tadashi opened the door a bit.  
"Hey Tsukki"

"Yamaguchi are you ok?" He immediately asks  
"You weren't answering any of my, or the others messages. What's wrong with you, scaring us like that tch"

Tadashi wants to burst out into tears right in front of his friend, tell him everything that had happened, how last night was horrible and he decided to take a bottle of pills in the cabinet, that he woke up in so much pain, and... alone.  
But he didn't, he kept it inside and just shrugged  
"Sorry Tsukki, I was really tired and throughout most of the day"

Tsukki looked at him strangely and tilted his head, Tadashi realized he hadn't looked in the mirror since this morning and probably still looked extremely pale and weak, and probably had bags under his eyes as well.

"Yamaguchi you look like shit what do you have?" The taller boy looked down at the smaller one.  
Tadashi couldn't see his eyes since the poarch light glared off his glasses.

"Just a stomach bug, you probably shouldn't be near me you might get one too."

"I don't care let me in please." Tsukishima said with a scowl showing in his eyebrows and mouth.

"NO" Tadashi's said in a somewhat shrill voice

Tsukishima just looked at him again, his expression not changing

He knows something is up now doesn't he... Shit why can't today just give me something good"

"Can I at least go to the bathroom, please? I walked all the way over here and I need to use the toilet. C'mon Please Tadashi?"

Tsukishima just used his first name, that never turned out well  
But Tadashi knew full and well the pill bottle was still in there, so was the knife and note, he couldn't let his friend in.

"I... uhm... have been... throwing up in them all day you don't wanna go in there!" He exclaimed, maybe just a bit too loud... He thought.

Tsukishima inhales and then continues.  
"What about your parents bathroom, can I use that?"

Tadashi thought for a second. "Yeah I guess so." He thought he may plug a joke in there to make Tsukki less suspicious. "Also haha... uhm... you better keep everything in shape! My parents might kill you, you know."

Tsukishima still doesn't give a change in expression.

Tadashi bites his lip and quickly tells Tsukki to close to door on the way in, and that he has to puke again.  
At the moment he thought maybe he really would throw up.

Tadashi picked up the note, and then went and stuck it under his mattress. Then he goes back to retrieve the pill bottle and the few pills still scattered around, along with the blade, and he runs out as fast as he can and shoves them in a paper towel and throws them away.

He then runs back to the bathroom, only for his legs to collapse on him and he lets out a small yelp  
He gets back up as far as he can and gets back to the bathroom.  
He repositioned himself and looked in the mirror. He could still see the unfamiliar character in his reflection and washed his face a bit. He put on a mask to cover a lot of his face so Tsukki wouldn't study his face too much

He stumbled back out into the kitchen area where Tsukishima is waiting on one of the dining chair tables on his phone.

"Oh hello Tadashi"

First name again? Bullshit  
"Why are you calling me Tadashi. you never call me that, what's up."

Tsukishima doesn't look up from his phone but then says:  
"I should ask you the same Yamaguchi." He said, the looking up at the small boy standing next to him will what seemed to be bloodshot eyes.

Tadashi felt a shiver go up his spine.

"I'm fine Tsukki! I told you it's just a small stomach bug."

"No i mean what's been up with you lately, you have been acting so weird and it's annoying me Yamaguchi."

Tadashi was taken aback.  
Annoying? What?

"Tsukki?..." He said in a shaky voice.

"You... You aren't like yourself and it's super annoying and a bit worrying if i'm being honest"

"T-Tsukki I- I"

Tadashi knew in that moment that he couldn't hide anymore, he didn't want to either... But he couldn't tell Tsukki about what he had did.  
Tadashi blushed a bit thinking about all of this, not really knowing why but Tsukishima had realized the worried look and the slightly pink face.

Tsukishima appeared to have a mad look on his face. It was horribly bone-chilling so Tadashi took a few steps back, and burst into tears, landing on the floor"

"SHIT- YAMAGUCHI WHAT'S UP? I KNOW SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT GODDAMMIT!"

"I'm sorry, Tsukki" he said with a defeated tone.

\------

Shit, what even the hell is up with him? He's acting so out of character and I hate it.

Something here wasn't right, well, to Kei it was kinda obvious that something wasn't up since his best friend was apologizing to him through what looked to be burning tears.

Kei got down on the hardwood floor and embraced Yamaguchi. He could also feel tears coming on, he just wanted to know what was wrong.

"Tsukki I'm so sorry, I'm sorry i didn't mean to make you upset, I never meant for that" Yamaguchi murmured through sobs.

Kei was furious, not really at Yamaguchi, but himself. He was upset at himself for making Yamaguchi think Kei was upset at him. He wasn't upset, just worried.

"Yamaguchi... don't, don't apologize"

Kei held the small, shaking boy closer to him. Yamaguchi continued to cry into his friend's chest, and for a second there, forgot about everything else in the world. All that mattered was that what he was holding in his arms.

\------

Tadashi finally calmed down. He didn't know how long he had been held by his friend, nor did he really care, he just wanted to stay there forever, never having to worry about another damn thing, ever.

Tsukishima pulled away lightly from the small shivering boy, in which then, gave him some tissues that sat on his bedside table.  
Tsukishima helped the brunette boy onto the bed, and then sat next to him.

"Tadashi please, we both know that something happened here so what did..."  
Tsukishima said softly, wondering if he was going to have to repeat himself because of how quietly he said it. But Tadashi heard full and well.

He didn't wanna tell his friend, he would get scolded, looked down on, called names and get scoffed at. Deep down though, he knew that Tsukki wouldn't do that.

"I'm not okay Tsukki..."

Tsukishima remained quiet.

"Last night really sucked... I just want to say that."

"How so." The tall blonde replied in a firm but still worried voice.

"Just, little things added up yesterday, and it got too much to handle, not to mention the last few days by themselves haven't been the best either. I mean I failed all my quizzes and couldn't make a single ball over the net- and, and, my parents went on a trip, and before they left, we had a small fight, I mean I think they are over it but it still hurts..."  
Tadashi rambled on

Tsukishima turned his head slightly so he was facing away.

I can't see his eyes, the lamp is reflecting off his glasses...

"So what exactly did you do last night?..." Tsukishima said looking back at his friend, to which Tadashi could see worry and hurt in his eyes.

"I..." Tadashi's voice trailed of

"Tadashi, tell me"

"I took a bunch of pills, and- and-" He started blubbering. "-I was about to cut myself open too but I got dizzy pretty quick and went unconscious before I could do anything more"

Tsukishima had clenched his fists, and was gritting his teeth.

"Tsukki, I'm so, fucking sorry"

Silence.

Neither spoke a word.

It felt like eternity that the two boys just sat there. Neither of them knew exactly how long it was.

They couldn't look at each other.

Tadashi was undeniably scared, but had managed to stay a bit more calm then he thought he could be in this moment

Tsukishima on the other hand, was shaking, violently, and Tadashi could see the thick tears running down his face.

"Tsukki?..."

Still no reply

Tadashi stood up off his bed, and walked over to his trash can in the bathroom. He picked up the paper towel with the empty pill bottle and blade, dumping the remaining of the 2 pills also rolled up in the paper towel back into the trash. He brought the two items back to the bed and laid them next to the tall, crying blond boy.

Tsukishima looked quickly down at the paper towel, picking up the pill bottle with a shaky hand, reading the label. He put it back down, still shaking.

Then he picked up the razor, and examined it, it had old blood stains on it. Tsukishima then let out another audible sob which caused Tadashi to do the same.

Tsukishima pulled Tadashi back into another hug, this time it was more firm, but had the best intentions in the world.

After another few minutes of Tsukishima crying into Tadashi's hair, and Tadashi into his chest, Tsukishima finally said something.

"Let me see." Tsukishima said while his voice cracked.

"Show what?" Tadashi questioned. He knew it was a dumb question the moment it left his bitter lips.

"This knife-" He started. "-it had stained blood on it, let me see where you did it, please."

Tadashi sighed and almost refused, but looked up at Tsukki, his eyes, which Tadashi could now see once again, were filled with, hurt, pure hurt.

He first pulled up his shirt a bit to reveal his stomach, cuts of all different colors, sizes, and deepness, were on there. Some old, some not even a few days old.  
Then he pulled up his right short pant, to reveal not as many, but still a good few.

Tadashi had not realized, but Tsukishima wasn't even looking anymore. His hands buried in his face, which were also quieting his sobs.

After some more silent moments, Tsukishima spoke up once again.

"Why?" He cried into his hands.

"I... I... I don't know"

Tsukishima finally turned his head up, but once again, you couldn't see his eyes since the lamp had caught the glasses.

"I mean, how long have you wanted to do this, why? Why did you get so far down this path without asking for help?" Tsukishima said, with his voice starting to raise.

"Tsukki..."

"Yamaguchi Tadashi, answer me right now... please..."

Tadashi couldn't find a single tone of anger reigning in his friend's voice. It was hard to actually pick up the correct tone, but it was between a... frightened, and, worried tone more then anything.

"I thought I would be called, lame, and pathetic, and get ignored, and was told I was doing it for attention."

In that moment, yes, Tadashi felt like the most lame and pathetic person ever, that's for sure.

"Ah I see..." Tsukishima didn't even argue.

"Did someone find you? Hinata maybe?"

"No... I woke up alone... it was horrible, Tsukki."

"Goddammit, I knew something felt off today I should have-"

"Don't you fucking dare, Kei"

Tsukishima flinched, but kept quiet.

"Don't you fucking dare, try to blame this on yourself. I don' care what you think, nor what anyone else says, this wasn't your fault."

Tsukishima still stayed quiet, now glaring at the floor.

"Tsukki, I'm truly sorry I didn't tell you earlier, I just you know... I kinda thought you know..." He kept stuttering.

"I know other people are going through worse, and I felt that one less person would make it easier, even if it was only .0001%... its hard to explain I mean I-"

Tsukishima cut him off with another hug, rubbing circles with his thumb on his smaller friend's back.

Tadashi needed nothing more then that.

Tsukishima pulled away a bit, put his finger under Tadashi's chin and tipped it up near him, the glimmer of his glasses making his eyes look mesmerizing, nothing else to it.

"You are so fucking amazing, beautiful, strong, confident, courageous, motivated people I have ever met in my whole life. I love that about you, I couldn't be happier to have a friend like you.

Tadashi knew his face was a red as a rose, and he knew Tsukishima could also tell.

He pecked Tadashi on the forehead, and stood up.

"I'm going to go make you some food, its obvious you need some considering how long you've been asleep."

Tadashi felt paralyzed, he was trying to process what the hell just happened.

"Ts- Kei, wait."

The taller boy turned back around, looking at Yamaguchi curiously.

Tadashi ran up, and kissed him on the lips.

The smaller boy put his arms around the taller's neck, pulling him slightly down to Yamaguchi's level.

Tsukishima was quick to position his arms around the brunette's waist.

They held there, for who knows how long, neither gave a shit. The only thing that mattered, was once again, that moment. They pulled away simultaneously, and just stared at each other.

Tadashi, still very much in shock, held onto the taller for support so he wouldn't fall over.

"Tadashi..." Tsukishima started. He inhaled.

"I don't know what you're going through, nor can I tell you if its going to get better or not, but I want to be here for you through all of it..."

"I'll sit in the rain with you."

"Now, lets get you some food, and then get you to the hospital... okay?"

**Author's Note:**

> pls i cried while writing this godamnit
> 
> reminder: take care of yourselves, drink some water, eat something, listen to some music, i love you all endlessly have a good day <3
> 
> (also i literally didnt reread through this after i finsihed, just kinda scanned over it, so please any grammar mistakes tell me)  
> -xelmxy


End file.
